An Open Response To The OW Antics
Ok, I get it. You're angry. You're hurt. You've been treated badly. You thought you were special. He said he loved you and you weren't looking for love until you found him. You thought you had a connection, that I was making him miserable, failing as a wife, not paying enough attention to my relationship (blah, blah, blah) and now you're left out in the cold with no one. Misunderstood, being labelled and judged as it's all gone so horribly against you and you've been left in this intolerable situation. So if you were lashing out to hurt someone like you feel you've been hurt, then you achieved your goal. Yep, it worked, really worked. Well done, great job. It fucking hurt like hell. Being set up and blindsided by someone you don't even know, had absolutely nothing against, in cahoots with your own husband is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. I think I would rather go through another two lots of 24 hours of labour with a c-section at the end of it, and that's saying something.
You did it. You got revenge. You hurt me. Does it makes you feel better?
Does it successfully help you distract and detract from what YOU did to yourself and your own life? Does it help you shift the anger and blame towards us and keep the masquerade going in your life, instead of take responsibility for your own failings, poor choices and dishonest actions? Does it help you to continue the narratives in your head that back up your beliefs about men and relationships, that keep these patterns repeating in your life?
I suspect your anger is fuelled by feeling betrayed, it’s not nice is it? You thought you were special and he said he loved you, but I’m super sorry (not sorry) to pop your bubble here, but he was already married to someone else and affairs are not actually real life. I actually feel quite sad for you that you genuinely believe this kind of relationship is going to work out. That you keep pitting yourself against a marriage and a family, with a man who is running from his life, in the belief that what you have is real. I know it felt so amazing that just after a couple of weeks you were busy planning your new life together in the plains of New Zealand, (or was it the hills of Tuscany?) but a relationship that starts on lying and cheating is still a relationship that starts on lying and cheating, no matter how much you tell yourself this one is special. A lie is still a lie no matter how you try to justify it by telling yourself it's only a marriage on paper. Running around in secret, not able to tell anyone, walking into places separately, pretending, when you were out nothing was going on, worrying about being busted by people seeing you, having to ask him to take his ring off, seeing him put it back on when he was coming home and being disappointed etc. etc. are NOT signs of a normal, out in the open, every day relationship. THIS WAS AN AFFAIR. He was a liar and a cheat from the very first day you got involved, asked him about his marriage, found out he was unhappy but "not ready to leave" and still chose to continue on. If it had gone your way, he would still have been a liar and cheat, but I'm guessing it wouldn't of bothered you quite so much.
None of this is about me at all. I was minding my own business here, simply being married to someone you decided was fair game, until he wasn’t. You brought this all on yourself by the choices you made in your own life, because of the way you feel about yourself. If you're going to enter into these life choices that have such catastrophic endings for you, can I respectfully suggest you do your homework about what you're getting yourself involved in? "Thinking of leaving", in case you didn't realise, is not the same as actually left, so not being so naive would be a great start. Look at the characteristics of affairs, what they involve, the psychological processes needed, the effect of affair fog, the way the brain functions and the chemicals produced, that it's limerence, not love that's actually felt, that the person chosen to have an affair with (that would be you) is rarely an independent, rational decision, but rather a reaction to being squeezed by life and circumstances. Usually, the choice of person (again, that is you) is not one the man would choose if on his own and single. It's opportunist and the opportunity is with someone who makes it easy by bearing the characteristics of someone willing to get involved with this type of thing and unfortunately, once the affair is undertaken, it's going to go one of two ways. Statistics show that 8 times out of 10 it's in favour of the wife, regardless of what story the unfaithful man is feeding the affair partner. Simply because of the avoidance an affair offers the man when he is not coping with the responsibilities of his life and current feelings, the heightened sense of fantasy, excitement and intoxication and the "ridiculous nonsense" (his words, not mine) type of relationship they create. Escapism at its finest. I can give you some great recommendations for further reading.
I hate to point out the obvious......ok, I don’t hate it really.......but you had a choice here every step of the way, which I hope you appreciate, as it’s way more than I had. You could have walked away at any point. You have a lot more responsibility to looking after yourself than he does. Instead of taking revenge and aiming your bullshit at me because you say he lied, he instigated it, he led you to believe his relationship was a certain way, it would be a lot more constructive to get real and have a very honest conversation with yourself about what YOU actually did too, to yourself.
YOU, made it clear you were available and orchestrated ways in which to spend time with a married man.
YOU, decided to get further involved with someone married (more than once).
YOU, knew he hadn't left the marriage yet but decided to carry on.
YOU, opened yourself up to this all going horribly wrong.
YOU, fell for the attention.
YOU, made it far too easy for him to treat you the way he did.
YOU, set yourself up for the hurt you received.
You also had a choice NOT to do all these things.
If you don't like it, again, it may be stating the obvious, but it might be worth thinking about not making those choices in the first place. If you don't want to take the risk of it not going your way, if you don't want to be used as a means of escapism from real life and if you don't want to get dumped and watch the man go back to his wife, don't get involved in the first place. Maybe try to date someone single? It’s a pretty simple solution. But I guess, blaming everyone else, playing the victim, making excuses and crying when it all falls down around you, comes back to bite you pretty hard in the backside and gets in your face is a much easier option than taking a long hard look at your own accountability and shortfalls. I sympathise I really do, when you're swimming in your own level of denial, justifications, assumptions and victim mentality, realising you ultimately had no real clue what you were getting yourself into in terms of understanding the depth of the committed relationship and all the emotional investment and history that comes with it, owning your own shit is a tough one.
So, I ask again, did your angry, malicious, calculated and executed antics make you feel better? Are you proud of your moral standings and integrity? Did hurting us fill the void in your life? Or was that what you were trying to fill with a married man? *Gasp!* Did I just say that? I guess it may have had more of an effect if you'd succeeded in destroying our marriage, but unfortunately it just brought us closer together and made us more determined to see it through. It's amazing what determination you can find with the right motivation. Never underestimate a mumma warrior. I don't expect you to understand that, it's a strength like no other. Whatever pain you inflict on me, no matter how excruciating, is temporary. It will end eventually. My family is forever. The love, joy and contentment I feel when I come home to them every day will outlive any pain you can inflict on me. Cuddling on the sofa in the evenings, never feeling alone, being able to make plans together, travel, share experiences, laugh, have fun and make memories with them is a true blessing and I actually have to thank you as this has changed us in so many ways for the better. We are so much more grateful, so much more respectful of each other and so much more appreciative of what we have. Through all the pain, I am becoming really happy. I understand the value of the people in my life and I now have this blog where I can reach out and really help people. I’m not really sure where you get your sense of purpose in life from (a bottle of Prosecco?), but for me it’s in being of service to other people, not bringing them down. Instead of masquerading as a do-gooder, maybe…..now here’s something way out there….you could actually be one? Feel good about yourself by doing the right thing and simply not going there because you know it's not ok. Do the right thing by respecting other people and their relationships whatever perception you might have of them (and that means without putting a spin on it so you can justify your behaviour.) Don’t go there because you know you deserve better, don’t want to hurt other people and you know it never, ever ends well. Do the right thing because you genuinely have enough self-worth for yourself, personal standards, a moral compass and high integrity and not just pretend to because you wear a uniform to work……..oh, damn it, I think that’s where my suggestion falls short.
If you never got an apology, I’m sorry you got hurt. I’m sorry he treated you badly. I’m sorry he didn’t actually want you once the fantasy bubble exploded, the affair fog wore off and he realised you were “the worst mistake of his life he just wants to forget.” It's not actually my place to apologise. None of those things has anything to do with me whatsoever. If you put as much effort into actually getting clued up about what you keep getting yourself involved in and owning your shit, as you did emotionally manipulating, plotting and scheming your bunny boiler revenge, then maybe it wouldn’t happen. I understand, we all want to love and to be loved, so I really hope you find what you’re looking for. However, I suggest you concentrate on finding it without hovering around, what you perceive to be, the scraps of other people's relationships. It's a little bit creepy, quite vulture-like and clearly not really working for you. I think it's time to take responsibility for the choices you made, see these relationships for what they are and stop trying to get your sense of self-worth from men choosing you over their wives. It’s very risky and clearly, well actually quite obvious, you haven't got enough about you to sway the outcome in your favour.