That last blog had a real effect on me. Facing my fear of trust was a hard thing to delve into. It left me feeling like the weight of this affair was winning again. The sadness, the disappointment, the excruciating, unwanted consequential reality, the hurt and despair of "how could he?" sat on me like a boulder. An immovable, immensely heavy boulder that wouldn't shift and I started to buckle. I felt well and truly stuck. Stuck in this pain, stuck in this cycle, stuck in this reality that someone else threw me into. It triggered another crying meltdown where I desperately wanted answers and validation, reassurance and comfort from my husband. He, on the other hand, was dealing with his own trigger, caused by my meltdown. It's not a good combination, trust me.
While I am desperately looking to him for comfort, he is shutting down. Now, I know there may be some of you tutting and rolling your eyes at his reaction and who think that he caused this, so he should be there to suck it up and comfort me.......and yes, there is a part of me that thinks that too. I get very frustrated, I feel very alone, I am crying out for comfort and love from him. However, there is also a part of me that has to accept he is going through his own process which involves triggers and healing totally different from mine. He has his own triggers, his own feelings and his own way of reacting to the aftermath. When I crumble under the weight of what he did, the emotions, pain and suffering of what he caused hit him too. When I crumble with feelings of pain and betrayal, he takes on the guilt and shame. This makes him withdraw, shut down and recoil from me. As I said, not a good combination.
But if I am allowed to respond in any way and feel whatever I need, then so is he. I have my feelings and he has his. They are all allowed. When those feelings pass, we always manage to come back to each other, but we are both tired, really tired of this cycle. I spent the night crying convinced I was going to have to stop writing the blog, stop posting on Instagram, stop talking about betrayal to other wives if I was going to get out from under this boulder. The weight felt like it was killing me and would kill my marriage. It felt like the resolution, the only way we were going to be able to move on from it, was part. It was awful. The repercussions of this type of betrayal run so deep. I cannot warn people enough. I do not want to lose my family, but this is never-ending and so much to deal with. So much. So much to get over, so much to forget, so much to let go. Anyone who's been here knows how impossible this feels. How utterly incomprehensible it feels to be in this situation. How overwhelming the task seems. It's immense and made even worse when you feel like the fate of your family hangs on your ability to do it.
I woke up exhausted with a desperate need to do something, but I didn't know what. I was stuck. Totally stuck. I needed to get unstuck, or I felt like I could lose everything. I needed to figure out a way to shift things for me so I can genuinely feel like I am moving on and getting past this rather than having to endure it. I needed some inspiration. A sign from somewhere, ANYWHERE!
When I looked at my current situation, I could see my husband is doing everything to show me he is committed. He has not put a foot wrong in three years. He is present with the family, he helps around the house as an equal, without being asked, he steps up, makes an effort and acts like a husband and father should. There is not much else he can do. We are total opposites when it comes to feelings and the level of emotional support I need, he tries. If this scenario was different, if he wasn't doing what he needed, then this would be a completely different story. But he is and that's when I realised, this trust issue has to be sorted by ME. If there is nothing much else externally that can change, then this is an inside job. This had to come from me, so I made a decision.
I asked myself if I could trust him today. For the one day in front of us, could I trust?
So that's what I've decided to do.
Trust. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Just one day.
And it's working.
The boulder's shifting and I don't feel as stuck.
Since then, when I wake up each morning, if there's any anxiety (which there has been every single day for a really long time), I take a deep breath and remind myself I'm ok. I can trust today. I feel my husband next to me, familiar and warm. I put my feet on the ground and sit for a moment. There's something about having my feet flat on the floor in the morning. It helps to keep me grounded. I concentrate on keeping my energy and emotions level. Just right. Not too high, not too low, just level. When I go to the bathroom, I give myself a cheeky wink in the mirror, a high five and remind myself I've got today. In the shower, I go through all the things I am thankful for, like hot water, a roof over my head, healthy kids and food for my breakfast. All the while, just breathing, keeping everything level. I focus on that moment and that day. Today is going to be ok. I've got this. It works, day by day. That's as much as I can trust.
I've also started reciting this to myself. I saw it on Instagram.
My God! It spoke to me! Every single amazingly true word of it. It has made a huge difference for me. I tried to repost, but I'm still upgrading my Insta skills. It was a speech, here's what it said:
I say this with love as I have realised some truths
I am not intimidating, you are intimidated
There's a difference
I don't take up too much space, you're just used to people playing small
My inner light is not too bright, you're just used to dimming your own
I am not mean or aggressive, I am honest and assertive and that makes you uncomfortable
I do not make you uncomfortable, my presence challenges your comfort
All of that is yours
I will not be less for you to feel better about yourself
Own. Your. Stuff.
I suddenly realised that I was just being myself. I wasn't intimidating, she was intimidated and she was intimidated because of how she felt about herself and what she had got herself into. She was intimidated simply by my presence, because of what she had done and how she felt about herself, not because of how I acted. I was honest and assertive. I called her out. I refused to let her blame everyone else and passive aggressive herself out of it. My presence absolutely challenged her comfort. Her best attempts at breaking up my marriage didn't work. When she knifed me in the back, I stood up and refused to die. My strength and character shone a bright light on her shortfalls.
This has been a huge shift for me. I would highly recommend it.
You may not be at that point yet, but read this over and over and over. It is true for you, even if you don't feel it right now. Keep reading it until you do.
And if you are at the point where you can trust one day at a time. Try it, it's working for me.