There's no humanising that can take this pain away when it hits. I've been writing the humanise not demonise blog all week, but when the pain comes again, it all goes out the fucking window! I never know when a trigger is going to hit. Seems to be every couple of weeks at the moment. The last one was a curry and this one was a netball match. WTF?! The difference being I am in the middle of it right now. I thought I would write this in it, rather than after it to try and be honest and authentic with how fucking shit this really is. There really is no other way to put it, it's fucking shit.
I am in bits again, afuckingain. I went to play netball tonight. I was in two minds as I haven't been enjoying it recently but I didn't want to let my team down as they're awesome. We got hammered! That's fine, I don't mind that. I just wanted to have a game. One of the opposition was particularly bitchy and over the top in her "contesting". In other words playing dirty barging and body slamming during the game. Kicking the ball out of people's hands as they tried to pick up. Just general unnecessary unsportsmanlike behaviour. Didn't get pulled up much by the umpires. Anyway, it happens. Get home, deciding I didn't want to play anymore as it doesn't leave me feeling that great. Enter full on melt down. Full on fucking meltdown, for fuck's sake! Urrrgh, it's so painful, I feel sick. I feel like I'll never stop crying. I feel emotionally battered and bruised and totally done. Surrendering to the helplessness of how I feel. To the despair and devastation swirling round my body. I have to give in to it, so I'm just lying here, letting it swirl and spin and overtake me. What else can I do? It's real, it happened and it's fucking shit.
Because of people getting away with playing dirty. It's all connected to that last night they had and the calculated, vicious way it was used against me. It's that overpowering, helpless feeling of being bullied, picked on and no one will do anything about it. They just get away with it. No one cares. No one's listening. No one will help you. The dirty player in the netball match just brought it all on. I really don't think my husband will ever understand how badly and deeply that one night has cut through to the centre of my very being, straight through my heart. I did nothing wrong. Nothing. Nothing to either of them. I had a husband, that was it. I had a husband fairly and squarely. Nothing underhand. Nothing I shouldn't have, yet I was disregarded completely and then totally set up. Like a lamb to the slaughter. Rabbit in headlights. It was nothing but righteous, self centred, vicious bullshit. Simply because you couldn't have my husband. Writing to my house knowing full well what you had already done a week before and that you had pictures to prove it. Writing to my house to "reiterate your preference", your fucking preference. Leading me the guillotine so you could drop the fucking blade and he let you do it. Then, you just get away with it. Have an affair, get dumped, don't like how you get treated, so pull an oozy out and just blow the wife to smithereens. Then totally get away with it. When I feel like this, I genuinely think I'll never get over it. He did this. I never, ever, thought he would but he did. Not this. Not as bad as this.
But he did.
But he did.
But he did.
Those three words over and over and over as I sob and shake into my duvet.
He was my husband. You had no right. No fucking right. He was my husband.
He is my husband. And now I feel so sad, so, so, so sad because I genuinely love him. I love my husband. I love his arms around me. I love burying my face into his neck. I love how familiar he feels. I love feeling him next to me when we sleep. I love watching him with the kids. I just love him. I am so disappointed in him and what he did and I know that he's disappointed in himself. It's completely heartbreaking. He's away at the moment and we spoke just as my melt down was starting. He went quiet. I was worried he was thinking that he wished he could leave because of yet another meltdown. Too many to recall. He said he was thinking about what a "douchebag" he had been. I said sorry that he had to deal with me all the time. He said I had nothing to apologise for.
And this is why I want to write this blog. It's SO NOT WORTH IT. This is the result. This is the gut wrenching, heart rupturing, tormented wound that has been bleeding for 15 months now. Two people in incessant pain. Two people trying navigate through this hellish unknown landscape for what? For fucking what? A few weeks of not giving a fuck? Of fictitious excitement? A few weeks of escapism into a fantasy world? A few weeks of boosting your ego?
IT IS NOT WORTH IT!! SOOOOO NOT FUCKING WORTH IT!!!
The craziest thing is for a few weeks of ego boosting, macho feeling attention he now has a lifetime of feeling like the scum of the Earth. Was it really worth it? Was she really worth it? OMG NO! If there was something vaguely vibrant about her, then maybe I could understand it, but she is the plainest, oddest, no friends, no life, nobody going. Somebody whose own attitude towards life, marriage and other people is so disrespectful it gave him permission to be the same. It made it ok. It matched who he needed to be in order to carry this out. This may be who she is, but I know this is not who he is and it's so distressingly sad to see the consequences of those shortsighted, selfish choices.
Please think twice before doing anything like this. Please make different choices. If you're unhappy in your relationship, that's ok. Have a conversation about it. I know how scary that can feel, my husband said he was too much of a coward to do it. But, trust me, having that conversation does not even scratch the surface of the terror this alternative brings. If telling your partner how unhappy you are seems like your worst nightmare, then this is your worst nightmare on fucking crack full of guilt, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, despair and the most catastrophic agony you will ever experience and you will be inflicting the same on someone you love or once loved. And this is FOREVER. For the rest of your life. It CANNOT be undone. EVER!
If you could see me here sobbing like my life depended on it, doubled over in pain at the reality of this God awful situation, wondering how the fuck I got here, still grieving this is now my life and imagine this will be your partner, crying over and over again because of what their own husband did in his moment of weakness and cowardice. Please save yourself both the agony and just choose something different. Do something different about it. Even if you have genuine feelings for someone else, then just do the right thing for all of you. Have the fucking conversation. Yes, it's going to hurt someone, but so is this and at least your integrity and sense of self will be intact.
This......THIS is NOT FUCKING WORTH IT.....in the fucking slightest.