top of page
Search

I Want To Get Off Now, Please!


I have started so many posts in the last few months. Every time I hit, what I think is a new milestone, or a positive corner that I've turned, I sit down to write about it. But no sooner am I half way through, something else happens and it all changes. It has been like that for quite some time now. Up and down, up and down like a an out of control fair ground ride, swinging round and round, making me feel sick and simply isn't fun anymore. I'd like to get off please, but it just keeps going.


Not so long ago I was convinced I had made it through. That I had reached a real turning point and was feeling so positive and excited about moving forwards. A promotion has come up at work which my boss has asked me to apply for, things are moving on the house extension, the sun is coming out and there is so much to look forward to. Then I found out my husband had made an important decision without me and I was back there again, questioning everything, triggered, teary and trying to figure out what he was thinking. I withdrew again, scared and timid, feeling disappointed and deflated.


So, I went back to my trusting one day at a time. Just do one day at a time.....*deep breath*.....Things began to improve again until I actually felt 'normal' a lot more than I didn't. I even had small moments where I forgot about everything that had happened and truly felt back to "us" again. Where we were a normal married couple, doing normal things together, like we used to. Getting stuff done round the house, laughing together, hugging, joking, making plans and just being normal. Then I found out he had arranged to stay at a friend's house one weekend, when all the information he had told me was that they were watching the rugby. Once again, he had ideas in his head about what was happening and didn't tell me. I'm the last one to find out and its usually by accident.


Now, I want to point out, these are not shady decisions. He's not up to his tricks again, or trying to hide stuff from me. The friend I mentioned is male and actually an old school friend of mine, who is a very close friend of both of ours now. These are everyday decisions about everyday stuff. The problem is we aren't actually normal at all. We are a couple still recovering from betrayal. So simple every day things, where my husband has omitted details, are really difficult to deal with, very triggering and very frustrating when I am trying so hard to move forwards. I must also add that the highs and lows are not so high, and definitely not so low as they have been, and these are not life and death decisions, but they do affect me and I am currently in a retreated position. My husband has had Covid, so I can't go near him anyway, but I haven't been sleeping very well, I feel deflated, heavy and withdrawn. I think the bottom line is I don't trust him and he knows it, which is why he is scared to approach me at times. Backwards, I know! He admitted this to me when I was exasperated telling him why I was so cross with the latest omission of details. I told him the way to build up trust is to be completely and utterly transparent and forthcoming about E V E R Y T H I N G!!!


I am tired. Tired of this in my life. Tired of this being my story. Tired of having to constantly deal with someone else's choices. Tired of the smallest thing triggering me and resulting in me recoiling and retreating from my life, questioning our entire relationship and if I made the right decision to stay. Then comes the anger again. I am angry. Really fucking angry at him and his fucking stupidity. At the dickhead who was so fucking childish and weak. Who was shortsighted and got things so unbelievably wrong. Who couldn't see the character he was letting into our life, into my life and our children's lives. Then I'm back to the frustration that I'm STILL not over this, FFS! The reel plays again in my head, the cruelty of their actions, the intrusive thoughts, the feelings of injustice and betrayal, of insignificance and worthlessness, the disbelief this is my life and my unwanted, uninvited story. Then come the triggers, then I retreat and question everything, play things over in my mind, then comes the anger and round I go again.


When is it going to end? I want to get off now please!



449 views

11 Comments


Bb
Bb
May 02, 2022

Hi. Just reading this again. It really is a rollercoaster nobody chose to be on. It will be our 1 year d day on 13 May so am not as far on as yourself and like every betrayed wife on here ( and those not on here too ) we are all figuring it out as we go - I don't profess to have any answers tho if I may respectfully offer my thoughts in support ? I totally understand why , after the devastation of infidelity , that it's very reasonable & understandable to want our partner to be transparent, open, forthcoming on 'everything'. I certainly do. But...after much, much....much thought, I decided - for me at least …

Like

Bb
Bb
Apr 27, 2022

I could have written this. Thankyou for being a platform that

A ) stands up for the wife and the family, kids, whose lives are destroyed by the selfish cruel actions of those who choose to have an affair. And

B ) for not allowing that BS idea that some (not all) counselling services - and indeed the OW spout when they say the wife shares responsibilty when an affair happens. NO. That is misogynistic blameshifting BS to excuse other peoples cruel, sh*tty behaviours. Affairs don't 'just happen'. They start with a series of choices, secret texts, secret meetings, etc with both the man and OW knowing what they are doing is going to cause immense pain to those they…

Like
I.Am.The.Wife.
I.Am.The.Wife.
Apr 28, 2022
Replying to

I could not agree more, and you are very welcome. That is one of the reasons why I started to write the blog in the first place. I was deemed as just “the wife” in all of this. My identity, my worth and my presence as a basic human being had been reduced to an image of some kind of miserable ice queen deserving of being treated so despicably, fuelled by the narrative you so eloquently describe. We are not insignificant and invisible, we are the wives 💪🏻

Like

Wow, did this hit home for me today. It is amazing (and also so sad) that other women can put into words the raw emotions experienced after betrayal. This most certainly is a ride I didn't get on by choice and one that I'm so sick and tired of making me sick and tired. Thank you for your honesty and connection.💙

Like
I.Am.The.Wife.
I.Am.The.Wife.
Apr 20, 2022
Replying to

Thank you for your comment and you’re very welcome. I completely understand, only as a betrayed wife can, what you say about being sick and tired and not getting on by choice. As bitter sweet as it is, we’re all in this together. xx

Like

Hi Jo Mason - you PMed my partner after encountering him in an online community. I note that you contacted him; he did not contact you. Given your blog, I am surprised you initiated contact with someone else's partner.

Like
I.Am.The.Wife.
I.Am.The.Wife.
Apr 18, 2022
Replying to

PS. Charlotte Wright, if this is you, Hi! I hope you’re enjoying my blog and podcast. It’s getting pretty popular. I’ve even been contacted and interviewed by someone making a documentary about infidelity and this will give me something else to write and talk about! If it’s not you, as I said, email me and I’m happy to clarify any questions or suspicions you may have.

Like

I love your blogs. I think we talked in the past on a Facebook group. I understand completely. I did get off, not by choice… well, kinda by choice. I fought for my marriage harder than anyone I know. For years I tried. My ex didn’t. That right there is the issue. The person that betrayed has to want the marriage as much as the one betrayed. The contact with the OW would stop and start over and over until one day, I made a new discovery of contact and something snapped in me and I thought and said out loud “I will NEVER let the future me feel this again” I got off.

I admire you and your husband.…

Like
bottom of page