I have started so many posts in the last few months. Every time I hit, what I think is a new milestone, or a positive corner that I've turned, I sit down to write about it. But no sooner am I half way through, something else happens and it all changes. It has been like that for quite some time now. Up and down, up and down like a an out of control fair ground ride, swinging round and round, making me feel sick and simply isn't fun anymore. I'd like to get off please, but it just keeps going.
Not so long ago I was convinced I had made it through. That I had reached a real turning point and was feeling so positive and excited about moving forwards. A promotion has come up at work which my boss has asked me to apply for, things are moving on the house extension, the sun is coming out and there is so much to look forward to. Then I found out my husband had made an important decision without me and I was back there again, questioning everything, triggered, teary and trying to figure out what he was thinking. I withdrew again, scared and timid, feeling disappointed and deflated.
So, I went back to my trusting one day at a time. Just do one day at a time.....*deep breath*.....Things began to improve again until I actually felt 'normal' a lot more than I didn't. I even had small moments where I forgot about everything that had happened and truly felt back to "us" again. Where we were a normal married couple, doing normal things together, like we used to. Getting stuff done round the house, laughing together, hugging, joking, making plans and just being normal. Then I found out he had arranged to stay at a friend's house one weekend, when all the information he had told me was that they were watching the rugby. Once again, he had ideas in his head about what was happening and didn't tell me. I'm the last one to find out and its usually by accident.
Now, I want to point out, these are not shady decisions. He's not up to his tricks again, or trying to hide stuff from me. The friend I mentioned is male and actually an old school friend of mine, who is a very close friend of both of ours now. These are everyday decisions about everyday stuff. The problem is we aren't actually normal at all. We are a couple still recovering from betrayal. So simple every day things, where my husband has omitted details, are really difficult to deal with, very triggering and very frustrating when I am trying so hard to move forwards. I must also add that the highs and lows are not so high, and definitely not so low as they have been, and these are not life and death decisions, but they do affect me and I am currently in a retreated position. My husband has had Covid, so I can't go near him anyway, but I haven't been sleeping very well, I feel deflated, heavy and withdrawn. I think the bottom line is I don't trust him and he knows it, which is why he is scared to approach me at times. Backwards, I know! He admitted this to me when I was exasperated telling him why I was so cross with the latest omission of details. I told him the way to build up trust is to be completely and utterly transparent and forthcoming about E V E R Y T H I N G!!!
I am tired. Tired of this in my life. Tired of this being my story. Tired of having to constantly deal with someone else's choices. Tired of the smallest thing triggering me and resulting in me recoiling and retreating from my life, questioning our entire relationship and if I made the right decision to stay. Then comes the anger again. I am angry. Really fucking angry at him and his fucking stupidity. At the dickhead who was so fucking childish and weak. Who was shortsighted and got things so unbelievably wrong. Who couldn't see the character he was letting into our life, into my life and our children's lives. Then I'm back to the frustration that I'm STILL not over this, FFS! The reel plays again in my head, the cruelty of their actions, the intrusive thoughts, the feelings of injustice and betrayal, of insignificance and worthlessness, the disbelief this is my life and my unwanted, uninvited story. Then come the triggers, then I retreat and question everything, play things over in my mind, then comes the anger and round I go again.
When is it going to end? I want to get off now please!