One of the biggest mistakes I made was believing my husband, and this other woman were going to be reasonable. I am going to write another blog about this in relation to my husband a bit later.
I was so naive to think that when it all came out into the open, rational, decent behaviours would follow. I didn't know about affair fog, the toxicity it creates and the time it takes to detox from it, I was totally naive to the level of deceit and covering up that goes on and I did not understand the extreme level of selfishness, arrogance and personal entitlement that goes on at other people's expenses. But I was soon to find out and find out the fucking hard way.
So, let's set the scene. D-day. It was a Saturday evening. I find out about my husband's affair. I confiscate his phone. The following morning, we take our son to rugby practice and watched our daughter in her very first gymnastics competition. That night he expresses his regrets and desire to stay married. The next evening he invites the neighbours over to toast marshmallows in the garden, the day after that he's painting the stairs, the day after that he suggests we go out as a family with the kids, the day after that we spend with my dad and his partner. In between, we're having the most distressing, yet calm, conversations about his affair, us, our family. It was all quite bizarre. During this time, I have his phone and I read through the entire history of text messages between them. It was horrific to see the extent of what was going on but I didn't want to be blindsided with anything else, especially from her, plus my husband was in severe damage limitation mode and I didn't believe a word he was saying to me. I sat and read the entire six weeks of messages. Not sure if I would advise it or not. I needed to know the depths of what I was dealing with, I needed to know what had been going on as I knew he was not going to volunteer the details or lie about it simply to cover up, however, it was gut churningly, nausea inducingly distressing. I was mortally stunned. All I will say about it is, that it was if I didn't even exist. Like I was dead. In amongst all this progressively unfolding, he knows he has to call it off with the affair partner. So he does this of his own accord, by text. It was a Tuesday. She hadn't heard from him in four days and the first time she does, it's to end the relationship and inform her I would now be moving out to join him.
After some initial texting back and forth, she realises, the next morning, I am now seeing all the messages, so they stop. After she knew I could see them, one of these messages was a very lame attempt at an apology to me claiming she was led to believe my husband and I were "only married on paper". In other words the, "oh I didn't know, defence", which I already knew was not true as I had read all their messages. On Sunday he has to return to his overseas posting. OMG! It was excruciating letting him go. I was a fucking mess. I agreed, yes I absolutely know now, stupidly, to him meeting with her to end things face to face. Again, I didn't understand the levels of infatuation and intoxication involved in affairs. I was trying to be reasonable, trying to be the better person, trying to be compassionate and understanding to everyone involved here. BIG MISTAKE!!! I genuinely didn't realise how low, selfish and underhanded people could really be and yes, that is very, very naive. However, in my defence, I didn't realise because it just didn't cross my mind other people would be. I know, I know, how fucking stupid can you be? Having an affair is one of the most selfish and low things anybody can do. I know that now. I absolutely learnt the hard way and want to warn anyone else in this situation, WATCH OUT! Affairs bring out the absolute worst in people. In the first few months after D-Day, do not think anything is actually out in the open. The toxicity lingers for sometime (another blog on this to come). People get desperate.
To cut a very long story to the basics. They met, she turned up to the meeting with a sign asking if he was recording the conversation and searched his bag in case he was (I know! WTF, right there! First red flag). Difficult, emotional conversation ensued. They parted ways. Later on that day she contacted him via text to ask if he wanted to come over. The reason she used text message, was she knew I now had synced his WhatsApp messages to my iPad, so would be able to see them. Now for someone who a week earlier was apologising and using the "I didn't know defence", well she certainly did know now! So this purposeful use of covert communication blows that apology out of the fucking water! There was no remorse or concern for me whatsoever. Again, how fucking stupid can I be? Why fucking would there be? Intentional betrayal and deceit right there.
Anyway, he went and a "last evening" together was the result of an emotionally manipulative conversation. Both of them absolutely knew at this point that I was aware of the affair, it was deliberate and downright selfish deceit. During that evening, what my husband didn't know was, here comes the bunny boiler bit, she took covert, secret pictures of him without his knowledge. Then again, of his bed covers in the morning. Then again, she got him over one afternoon later in the week and took another covert, secret picture of him sitting on her porch. Now, I know on both of these occasions, my husband was entirely responsible for his actions and I am not passing the buck in the slightest. I do intend to write another blog regarding this later. This blog is about her antics. Which, were freaky, I know. Calculated? You betcha. Fucked up? Absolutely! Now, obviously I knew nothing of any of this..........yet.
The following week I managed to get myself out there at very short notice. Some amazing friends rallied round and took the kids for me. I was going crazy at home and I needed to know what was still there, if anything. If I was going to move mine and the kids' whole life (again!) I wanted to make sure it was worth it. Plus, I wanted to see what I felt about my husband and how things were between us. It was tough and very emotional, but we had a good week. Enough to recognise, no matter how rocked things were on the surface, our foundation of love for each other was still there.
Next thing I know, a card arrives on my doorstep. It was there when I got back from my visit. I was pretty stunned to be honest and even more astounded when I read it. Now, let's just get this straight from the outset, no one is going to convince me that this letter was sent with any regards for me in mind. The other woman, who's just been found out and dumped, realising the wife is going to be moving out to where she lives suddenly grows an altruistic conscience to contact the wife? I don't think so! Let's face it, if there were any genuine concern for me she would have had more of a conscience in the first place to simply not get involved. Any explanation trying to convince me, or anyone else for that matter, of otherwise is simply self-serving bullshit and probably a desperate attempt to try and make herself look in a more reasonable light. There is nothing reasonable about what she knew she had done during that affair, especially in the weeks after disclosure prior to writing this card. It was stinking of an entirely selfish stench dressed up in a very cheap perfume of care and concern.
Passive aggressive digs throughout, very lame attempts at sounding reasonably concerned and the worst pass the buck apology I've ever experienced, blaming everything on my husband's deceit, rather than taking any responsibility or accepting accountability for her choices at all. The main jaw dropping moment was when she stated how they had both "spoken at length" since his return (#dig knowing I'm sure that I would not have wanted him anywhere near her) where she had "reiterated her preference" to him that he request to be posted away on compassionate grounds, but him refusing, which put us both (me and her) in a difficult position, so was wondering if there was anything I could do "to make things easier". Plus quite a bit more towards the end, I'm not even going to give energy to because it was clearly written hoping my husband would see it. However........
.......WTAF??? Who does that??
A woman, who is having an affair with my husband, who's just been dumped sends me a card, to my home address, my home fucking address, reiterating "her" preference to ask me to make things easier!! I was properly astounded, gobsmacked, dumbfounded (back to my thesaurus!) at the nerve. Seriously, who does that and what the fuck are you doing encroaching not only on my husband, but now my home, my fucking home?
Well, I found out who does that! Someone desperate and malicious, self centred and cowardly, playing dirty, plotting to set me up, who's other measures haven't worked. I found out afterwards that the card was sent after a threat to our moving paperwork being stalled was made, an argument ensued and then a "cover-my-arse" email was sent to my husband. When that didn't work, the next step was the card, sent on the same day as her email and my husband's decline at an opportunity to discuss the matter further. After the inquiry in the card of how I could make things easier, was an invitation to contact her, so I did. I sent my very best, calm, yet to the point, "own your shit" message. As follows:
I am not sure when your correspondence arrived as I have been in ***** for 5 days.
***** was never deceitful about the fact he was married or that, regardless of what he felt, he had not had a conversation with me. You knew he was married and you knew that conversation had not taken place. There was no deceit there. You were fully aware and, clearly based on your own personal moral standards and level of self-worth, made decisions of your own free will. You knew, when you got involved the marriage was not over, then, again, based on your own moral standards and self-worth chose to continue with it.
You made assumptions and judgements to suit your own agenda and due to your own selfishness and naivety, got them very, very wrong. You had no idea at all what you were getting yourself into and hugely underestimated the depth of our relationship, the real reasons behind my absence from *** and most of all, me. It took **** very little time to realise where he wanted to be.
I am not in a difficult position in the slightest. I will be coming over to **** for the remainder of ****’s posting. I will not be giving you the slightest thought when making decisions for my family and living my life as I have no reason to feel uncomfortable, compromise or make allowances.
What you wish to do with this information and the impact it has on you is entirely down to you. You were a willing party in this situation and can take full ownership of that and what you choose to do from here."
She obviously didn't like my response, as in return she sent me the secret photos she took of their final night and consequent meeting, with a text stating "I didn't want to do this....Enough said....I've blocked you both, so neither of you can contact me again"
Well, fuck me, can I remind you, you contacted me?!!
To this day, I have no idea what I was supposed to reply with. "Oh of course, thank you so much for suddenly being concerned (not really sure who for). I will do everything I can to accommodate you and make things easy when I move my entire life over there to save my family and disrupt my children's lives. Thank you also for your reassurances you are now no longer interested in my husband, that's good to know. I'm glad you've got that out of your system. I appreciate that deeply as it makes me feel so much better and wonderfully secure."
#WTF *Confused face*
What shocked me, apart from the obvious, was how calculated and planned this actually was. She contacted me knowing exactly what she had done the week before - had a night with my husband and took photos to prove it, then continuously tried to get him back with emotional manipulation. I was convinced she must have done this type of thing before. You see, the other bunny boileresque aspect to mention was that in order for me to see the date and time of the photos, which was clearly the most significant bit, she had to take a picture of the photos showing on another phone. Not sure if that makes sense! If you simply forward a picture, the date and time the picture was taken are not included. She needed a photo with the date and time on it, so all the important details would be seen of this final night, which clearly I wouldn't want to be happening. Which meant she had to have two phones to pull this off. One, to take the secret pictures, then one to take pictures of the photos on the other phone (showing the date and time) to send to me. The photos I was sent were of a phone on a table, displaying the photos that she'd taken using that phone. Again, I don't know if that makes any sense at all! What you could also see, under the photo, was the scrolling display of all the other photos taken. So you could see all the attempts that she'd made to take her secret photo, which hadn't worked. Plus there was a picture, in that scroll, that I suspected was of a letter I had written my husband to take back on the plane with him. It was in his bedside drawer, so if it was my letter, it meant she also went through his drawers, read the letter and took a picture of it. Maybe to use that for insurance too!
I was curious to know what she meant in her text. What was it you didn't want to do?
a) That thing you've already done? Shagged my husband again and taken pictures as insurance for whatever your sick mind is planning?
b) Play dirty by using the thing you'd already planned to do and carried out?
c) Stick the knife in one more time because you didn't get what you wanted or the response you expected?
d) Prove to me what an arsehole this man who you're so desperate to love you and leave me really is (even though it's quite clear I've realised that through his actions of the last 6 weeks)
e) Try to spit us up and get revenge because if you can't have him, then no one will?
f) Reveal your continued intentional deceit and cowardly behaviour, even after I knew it was going on?
g) Show yourself for what you really are? Bitter, calculated, self centred and malicious?
h) Completely shit yourself because you thought I was just an invisible, insignificant wife and try to stop me from moving to where you are?
The list goes on......but none of it makes any sense. It's all just malicious bullshit.
It was clear that my one text was being saved, as threats were made that it wouldn't be read but simply forwarded on to other parties she was speaking to "for support". Fuck me, what ounce of compassion I had in the beginning I certainly didn't now! You brought this to me remember, what the fuck did you expect was going to happen? You're having an affair with my fucking husband!!!! Seriously, WTF??
I have no idea if the idea was to antagonise me in order to provoke me into sending a really shitty, aggressive message she could take to someone to try and stop me from moving out there, to split us up and stop me from moving because she was genuinely shitting herself the invisible entity of "the wife" was now about to show up on her doorstep, to affirm her position of victim and protect her view of herself as a "good person" informing me of what a terrible person my husband was or simply just as a last malicious act of revenge against me, or my husband or both of us. Who knows? Possibly, all of the above, I have no fucking clue, but what I do know is that I have never experienced such a level of utter disrespect and viciousness in my life and it hit my like a tonne of bricks I can tell you, from both sides of their involvement. That feeling of shock and bewilderment is something I will never, EVER forget. It leaves a very bad taste in your mouth, that is very difficult to get rid of. I was actually watching a film last night about a man who's family are killed in a plane crash by a mistake made by the air traffic controller. The levels of shock experienced by both these characters made my blood run cold. I could still feel the remnants myself and found it really hard to watch. It feels like time stands still as all the life is sucked out of your body. Your veins run dry, your breath withdraws, your feelings dissolve and your surroundings fade out to nothing. You're just left in this no man's land of nothingness, sucked dry of life, completely astonished at what your brain is desperately trying to assimilate, but seems so unreal, it couldn't possibly be happening, yet it is.
I don't care what state she had convinced herself my marriage was in to have the affair in the first place, this was on a whole different level to that. She absolutely knew at this stage what was going on. Trying to get him back or split us up, to want to inflict that level of pain on someone else is simply beyond my level of comprehension. Again, call it naivety, but I was overtaken by a completely dumbfounded and dazed state. I couldn't figure out what it was that I had done so badly to warrant that kind of calculated maliciousness, except have a genuine, legal husband and call her out on her accountability for her part of the affair. Jealousy? Revenge? Plain malice? I had never in my life encountered actions that showed such a total disregard for another person, a person they didn't even know, a person who's life had been thrown into turmoil because of their selfish actions. Simply because they didn't get their own way. It was truly.......I am just struggling to find a word that expresses it......atrocious, unspeakable, sickening, disgusting all rolled into one. There just isn't a word strong enough, even if you add "fucking" as a prefix!
So, here I am, already falling through the abyss from hell, struggling to function, desperately trying to grasp at any sense of the situation I have found myself in, when I get smashed into oblivion, yet again, by the wrecking ball of someone else's calculated, deliberately malicious actions. Yes, I absolutely know my own husband contributed equally to that and clearly has more of an obligation to me, which I will address later on, but for someone I don’t even know to do that? I am the wife, that’s all. Nothing else. I was minding my own business being his wife, got thrown into this and then treated this way by someone who was doing something they shouldn't have in the first place. I felt like a rabbit in headlights again, laid bare, ambushed and so shocked at how someone could be that premeditated and spiteful.
The best way I can describe is this. This is exactly what it felt like....
Like you're standing there with your husband, the man you've known and loved for twelve years. The man you see in your children's faces and watch with such warmth as he is a dad to them. The man who made promises to you and has always looked after you. The man you feel safe and protected with. He's standing there with you holding a gun, slowly putting bullets into it. You look and wonder what he's doing, but he's your husband, so there's no fear, just curiosity. He then finishes what he's doing and turns to reveal a complete stranger, you didn't notice. This stranger is a female, you've never seen before. You have no idea who she is. He reaches out and hands her the gun, saying "here, go ahead." She smiles as him, then points the gun straight at you and pulls the trigger, as he steps away to join her. Bewildered, shocked, betrayed, blood runs cold, completely floored.
The stark, cold realisation and feeling of being utterly insignificant to people is something I never want to experience again. It was fucking brutal. Harshly recognising that your feelings did not matter in the slightest and were simply not a consideration. Where even your existence did not matter, didn't even come into the equation. Where decency and respect as a fellow human, just living their life, did not even matter either. Being the innocent casualty of other people’s selfishness, blindsided so maliciously. The pain and realisation of that made me physically sick and experience a sensation I never, ever want to again. I never even thought feelings like that existed. It was so bad my sister sent my dad round to my house after talking to me on the phone, she was so worried about how I sounded. I had given up, was broken. Utterly, unbelievably devastated, which I am sure was the intention. Cruel, underhand and totally unnecessary.
I didn't realise it at the time, but the profoundly intense shock and trauma of this series of events, on top of the initial shock of the affair, had deep long term effects which have only just started wearing off over a year later.